


Stay.

by DanDog



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Cussing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Sad, Series Spoilers, So much angst, Tears, You will Probably Need a Shitload of Tea After This, beware of the feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 16:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8292773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanDog/pseuds/DanDog
Summary: Death.It claims many, destroys most. But what happens when denial is added?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Slight mention of Levi's background from A Choice with No Regrets.
> 
> Mainly used for plot fuel.
> 
> Also, mention of the fate of Levi's squad.
> 
> Again, for plot fuel.
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy.

It hurt.

Everywhere, all at once.

Why did it hurt so much?

Ringing began in his ears, his vision blurred.

Then, everything was numb.

 

He couldn't decide what was reality, and what wasn't.

The line between memories and nightmares blurred, everything he saw in his subconscious mingled together to create a looming monster.

A monster that was within him; a grotesque creature who would stop at nothing to devour every bit of happiness, of hope.

 

He felt cold, now, despite it being spring.

 

Where had the numbness gone?

 

"Levi," a voice spoke.

The man in question didn't move, simply stared up at the sky.

The same sky he never thought he would see again, living in the Underground.

The same sky he knew humanity might have, if only they won the battle.

It's over, he thought.

"Levi, I'm so sorry," the speaker whispered.

Levi felt familiarity of that voice.

Where had he heard it before?

Hange. That was Hange, one of his friends.

His heart constricted.

 

Hange, Mike, Petra, Eld, Gunther, Oluo...

 

Dead. 

They all were. At least, four of them.

"We'll be okay," Hange said, voice cracking in grief.

 

Levi was tempted to ask why they were so sad, but decided against it.

 

He kept his gaze on the horizon, the sun slowly creeping below the towering walls.

He felt anger at the presence of them, offering as nothing more than to trap humanity.

 

-

At night, the monster came back.

Worse than before. It clawed, roared, tore at his heart and mind.

He couldn't sleep, he kept hearing the screams of soldiers on the battlefield.

He tried not to shut his eyes for so long, as he would often see soldiers' blood staining the green grass of an endless field.

His stomach churned, and he feared he would vomit.

His head swam, his vision blurring once more.

 

Had it always been this way?

Before, had the monster merely been kept caged inside him?

Before..what, exactly?

Levi stared up at his ceiling.

 

Whatever had happened to cause these worsening emotions, Levi couldn't bring himself to recall it.

-

People came to him, quite a bit.

Their faces were marred with pity.

 

It made Levi sick. 

He never understood what they were apologizing for.

It wasn't their fault he had a tidal wave of emotions crashing inside his mind every second, after all.

Still, though, soldiers kept apologizing to him.

As with Hange, he wanted to ask why, but never did. Maybe they would tell him, in time.

 

-

"I'm sorry, Captain Levi. For your loss," one soldier said.

Levi felt confusion inside, though it certainly didn't show in his expression.

What had he lost?

His horse was safely in the stables, his gear in his room.

As far as he knew, he hadn't misplaced any of his belongings.

What the hell did the soldier mean?

-

The days began to lengthen until they, like his emotions, were muddled together.

Levi no longer received apologies, only a few pitying glances when he went to the Mess Hall or training field.

As the days began to lengthen into weeks, Levi felt uncertain. Perhaps he had misplaced something. He couldn't help but feel as though he had lost something, but he could never think of what that something could be.

He arrived in the Mess Hall, prepared to speak with his two friends about it, when he caught their conversation.

"---do you think he'll react? Everyone's given their condolences, so I figured he would start the mourning process by now," Hange spoke to Mike, face lined with worry.

Mike sighed,"I don't know, Hange. I honestly don't. Levi's always been a mysterious man, we all know that."

Hange's brows furrowed,"But..Mike, we also know his grieving process. Not realizing someone died, for weeks, no less, is not a part of that process."

Mike finished off his meal,"Give it time."

 

Levi frowned. Someone died? 

Who could it be? He wondered as he returned to his room.

 

-

"Levi, can we talk?" Hange asked on a whim, noting Levi had free time to spare.

He shrugged, arriving in the Mess Hall.

Mike was there, seemingly awaiting the two.

Hange sat down, Levi following suit.

"What's this about, shitty-glasses?"

Hange smiled at that, catching Levi off guard.

That wasn't the proper reaction; Hange would usually throw another insult at him, or complain.

 

Levi's eyes narrowed,"What's this about?"

Hange exchanged a glance with Mike, before answering,"Levi..do you remember what happened at the last expedition?"

Levi frowned. Admittedly, the entire thing was a blur of screams, blood, and slicing Titan flesh.

"Not really. Why?"

Mike spoke up now,"Don't you feel like you've been forgetting something, or misplacing something?"

"Like you've lost something?" Hange added helpfully.

Levi felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach.

"Yes, actually."

This time, he didn't ask why. He didn't want to know.

 

"Levi.. haven't you noticed it's only us you see every day now?" Hange questioned, voice softening.

 

Levi's pulse began to race, and he met their gazes.

Flickering from Hange's brown to Mike's green, Levi spoke,"What are you two getting at?"

 

Mike's expression grew somber, the look disturbing Levi.

He had seen Mike display many emotions as their friendship grew. Arrogance, happiness, ruthlessness, but never, ever sadness.

 

Hange reached over to place a hand on Levi's.

 

"Do you..know where our Commander is, Levi?"

 

Levi would've thought his pulse had halted at that, but it was just anxiety.

His breaths came quicker, eyes darting around as though he was a wild animal about to be taken down by a much larger predator.

 

"I.." he trailed off, unsure of what the question even was anymore.

He felt himself shaking, and abruptly stood.

"If..you guys want to talk to Erwin, I can go..get..him," Levi offered.

Just saying his name felt wrong, along with the context surrounding it.

 

Hange's eyes had filled with tears.

Levi was about to ask if they were okay, when a voice suddenly said,"Levi? Erwin..Erwin Smith is dead."

 

The monster may very well have devoured his entire being at those words.

 

He fought them, though. He fought the words with all his power, all his strength.

In the distance, he heard screaming.

It startled him when he realized the screaming was his own doing.

The monster manifested itself physically now, gripping his arms and pinning him to the floor.

 

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" Levi bellowed, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

"Calm down, Levi," a voice told him,"You're going to be okay."

Levi writhed against the iron grip, truly wild among his attackers.

 

"Levi!" Another voice joined in, the tone shaken,"This isn't what Erwin would've wanted!"

Erwin.

The name seemed familiar, tangible.

 

He realized it belonged to a person.

A person he loved.

A person who was gone.

Forever.

 

At first, a soft sob escaped his throat.

Then, a second. From then on, Levi lost control of the monster.

He realized the so-called monster had been denial, suppression of reality as well as his feelings.

Mike, who had been holding him down, let him go.

 

Hange had brought him back to his senses, both of his friends aiding in grounding him to reality.

 

He didn't expect it to hurt so much, though.

 

The realization of Erwin's death caused many more sobs and whispers and tears to spill from him, and Levi no longer cared if an audience was watching him.

Erwin was dead.

Levi hadn't been there to protect him.

 

A part of him blamed himself for the Commander's end, but the other blamed the Titans.

 

Emotions flowed freely from him, the bottle they were so tightly contained in now nothing more than a once-was escape.

 

He hadn't wanted to face the truth.

If it were up to Levi, he probably never would have faced it.

However, fate chose his friends to help him accept what had happened.

 

Unfortunately, Levi couldn't let fate change one thing:

 

The Captain of the Survey Corps, who had stood alongside his late Commander----ready to follow him to hell and back----would never be the same again.

 

-

 

Fin.


End file.
